words form
a shallow pool
fallen cloud
* * * * * * *
I thought about putting a "dash" after the word pool, but Scott Metz has tended to enourage me away from dashes. W. S. Merwin uses them almost not at all, or any other punctuation, his idea being the reader can figure out where he or she wants to put them, if he or she needs or wants them at all.
I like the idea of a fallen cloud. Clouds are light, they don't fall, so "fallen cloud" has a kind of heavy awkward quality about it, which fits in with the shallowness of the pool. Also, I like the fact that we form words, and that in objective reality words don't form anything, words forming a shallow pool is surrealistic.
All in all, I'm quite happy with this haiku, and am commenting on it because of having received so few comments on this blog. I feel as if I am out somewhere in a far, remote hinterland without phone service, mail, T.V. or internet. So, until that changes I'll just talk to myself.
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John, I've been waiting months for you to re-emerge. And the poem you return with is absolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteWhy not experiment with punctuation in short poetry? In his earlier years, Merwin, for example, used plenty of punctuation.
The goal is the poem as you want it.
Very pleased to hear your voice again.
Please keep the poems coming.
Grant
Thanks, Grant. Your comment is very gratifying and supportive. Maybe there should be a space between lines two and three. I love merwin's second four books of poems where there is so little punctuation, but I also find emily dickenson and her flocks of dashes interesting.
ReplyDeleteI too have been waiting for re-emergence I do so love your material
ReplyDeleteEnjoyed the haiku and especially the write-up. I'm always interested in the process behind / before the words...
ReplyDelete:)
sun shower
ReplyDeletea twig settles in the cloud
Fallen cloud. Beautiful.
ReplyDelete